Craziness

March 2, 2012 Leave a comment

Anna banned me from uploading my sad drawings onto my blog. She told me in no uncertain terms that they ‘pop her little happy balloon’ and that no boy who sees them will EVER want to go out with me. Frankly, I think the pictures would be the least of his worries. And besides, Anna has gone back to Africa so maybe I’ll get away with it.

Izzy said my pictures are quite ‘inclusive’ but criticised me for never drawing Asian faces. I have tried. In the same way that I have tried drawing smiley people. My smiley people come out looking coerced into grinning and I have to pay attention which kind of defeats the point of doodling during lectures and sermons. As for Asian faces, well I think that issue comes down to the eyes. My doodles are characterised by heavy shading around the eyes which is more conducive to people with ‘double-eyelids’. I’d never heard of that term until I taught TEFL and had Asian students who insisted (thanks to those darned irritating electronic dictionaries which they viewed as more authoritative than moi) that it was a real word, even though I’d never come across it in my life. I had ‘double-eyelids’ apparently. They didn’t. Led to some interesting discussions about the pros and cons of having surgery to get them. Just googled it, and it’s there. If it’s on t’internet it must be true.

Anyway, I shouldn’t be writing my blog. I should be writing my essay: “To what extent, and how, may the ‘citizenship’ agenda empower poorer social groups and contribute towards the transformation of existing power relations?” But, in true teenage fashion, I had a stupid argument with my mum this morning about silly irrelevancies and am now feeling well grouchy and uninspired. With utter life frustration, I spent 15 minutes looking at jobs and was tempted to apply for a two year contract in Afghanistan just to get out of the house. Now I am trying to calm myself down so that I can write this essay.

I am also going off on one in my head about how J turns existing power relations on their head and am wondering how to factor in a perspective that doesn’t just buy into SOAS’s preferred neoliberal/Marxist dichotomy.

I’m sure that a G&T would help get the creative juices flowing but it’s a bit too early for that. Eat some grapes instead.

I should be writing this essay.

I should not be procrastinating.

Or dreaming of packing my bags and heading East.

I should not be staring into the eyes of the sad people I’ve drawn, asking them: ‘Do you get me?’

I think they get me. I also think I may be going crazy.

Maybe Anna is right. Perhaps there are certain things that shouldn’t be shared with the world. If the pictures don’t condemn me to a life of solitude, then my burgeoning insanity and general ungettability probably will…